Well the name of this page is my battles, so I guess I better introduce you to my biggest enemy..... Depression. Yup I said it. I am not scared of that word anymore. I am just a girl with a dinosaur obsession. I am not the stereotypical depressed kid that movies would like you to think. I am just a normal person: minus the whole 18-year-old-obsessed-with-dinosaurs thing.
I honestly don't know how long I have had depression. When I finally realized what was going on, I was in ninth grade. I was the new kid at school, and all I knew was I loved my new school, I hated myself, and I wanted a new start: but I was having suicidal thoughts and I was terrified. I continued the school year making some amazing friends and hiding my fears and thoughts with the prospect of a new start. I fought on. I made it through ninth grade, barely, and I was moving on to high school. Working over that summer lightened my depression and I even was able to forget about it for a few weeks, until I found out that one of my friend's sisters died by suicide. I didn't know what to think. I had to act like I was fine, but I was shattered by the news both for my friend and for his sister. She was someone I looked up to. She was an amazing trumpet player and she taught me some of the first things I learned on trumpet. I knew how she could have felt, how it feels to feel like there is no other way to be OK, or even be able to make it another day. I saw the effect it had on him and so many others. It broke my heart to see. I couldn't be there for my friend because I was working in another state, and I didn't know what I could say to him in a text that could express my feelings, concern, and care to him and his family. I struggled for weeks to keep moving, and I fought hard, but that feeling and memory of the sadness and helplessness has never left me. Once we got back into the swing of school my depression slowly crept back into every aspect of my life. It slowly made the things I loved most almost unbearable to do. I was ready to quit. I fought on. This continued for tenth and eleventh grade. By the spring of 11th grade I was extremely suicidal. Through that school year I set many dates of days that were going to be my last, but somehow I made it through every one of those days. I didn't want to die most of the time, I just wanted the pain to end and to disappear. The only thing that helped soothe my suicidal thoughts was the memory and feeling of overwhelming sadness I had felt when others had died by suicide. I stayed alive for them. For Krystal. For Jesse. For Matt. For many others too. I fought on. I am so grateful for my friends and how much they were there for me, even if they had no clue what was going on. There are many specific situations where they saved my life. I don't even think they know that they are the reason I am still alive. By the end of eleventh grade I was so exhausted mentally and physically. I felt drained of life, but it was summer and I was going to work up at camp again. Summer has always been better for me. I am able to focus on others. I can focus on service and my job. The summer before senior year was different. I couldn't shake the depression. It came in waves throughout the summer. I was ready to quit.......again........still. I honestly am surprised that I was able to continue working. I was done one day and I could hardly function when I was off by myself and I found an 8 inch tall dinosaur buried in the mud of the lake. It was a gift from God. I know he was watching out for me. That was the start of my dinosaur obsession, and I was able to keep going. Then again a few weeks later I hit another low and I was ready to be done. That day another dinosaur was found in the mud of the lake and it was given to me by one of the scouts. God was there. He was watching out for me. God know what I needed. Those two dinosaurs made the difference to me. I fought on. Next came the ever so stressful senior year of high school. After the first week I didn't know if I could do it. I didn't know if I could fight another year. Through the encouragement of my close friends, along with the support of one of my friends from the summer, I was able to tell my parents after fighting depression and suicidal thoughts for over four years. I was so scared that I left a note on my mom's bathroom counter one night. I couldn't tell her in person. I was so ashamed of what was going on. I was ready to write a goodbye letter. I didn't think I could get help. I was immediately shown so much care and love. I was able to face that dreaded word as more than just a word. It was depression. I could not fight it on my own, I was losing when I tried. I had to have help, and I was received with so much love and support. When I was finally able to open up, I learned so much about myself and others. People shared their struggles with me and I realized how much this "sickness" makes you feel like the loneliest person on the Earth, where in reality YOU ARE NEVER ALONE! I have learned through the long process of recovery that there can be happiness. I started antidepressants soon after I talked to my parents. I soon realized the dark cloud I had been in. I saw a few rays of sunshine here and there. I realized what happy really meant, but I soon fell into my dark cloud again. Through the recovery process I have had many good days and weeks, but the lows still come. There is no instant recovery. Looking back I can see the difference, and after nine months, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am doing better than I can remember ever doing. I have had some of my darkest moments during this time, but also my brightest. I don't know if my depression will ever go away completely, but I know that there is help and recovery out there and I am so grateful for it and the support I have gotten form all of my family, but especially my friends. I am looking forward to the new start of college. I am excited to see where my life brings me. I WILL KEEP FIGHTING! I will fight for all of those who have fought and are fighting this battle in their own mind. It is terrifying! I was not able to do this on my own, I tried and I almost failed, but with help, I will conquer! I WILL FIGHT ON!
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorI'm just a college kid trying to survive. Sometimes I write to clear my mind. Archives
October 2018
Categories |