Just recently I realized how much I love myself. Now, I don't mean to sound conceded, but it is true. I used to despise who I was. I felt worthless, useless, and alone, but through my healing process, I have learned to love who I am.
I am so happy to be who I am. I am so happy to be alive. This is a new year, but I am just going to be myself, because I am happy to be me!
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2017 has been a wonderful year! It has been a year highlighted with firsts for me. It was my first year of being an "adult." In February, I turned 18, and not a lot changed. I guess I could buy dry ice and rent a port-a-potty, but other than that, nothing. Life started changing when I applied and was accepted to SUU. It was the first and only school I applied to. Then I graduated high school. Thirteen years of public school for a piece of paper and a square hat with strings. It was bittersweet. I was so glad to finally be moving on, but I didn't want to move on at the same time. This year at camp was my first year of being on the adult staff. I had the opportunity to be an assistant waterfront director. It was definitely a learning experience and I wouldn't change it, even though it was one of the hardest summers I have ever had at camp. Camp ended and I was headed off to my first year of college! It was my first time living away from my family and living on my own. It was the first time buying my own food and cooking for myself. It was the first time I had to budget and manage my money. I was off on my own in the world of college. I have made many incredible friends. In October one of those friends became my first boyfriend. It felt like a dream. The guy I liked, who had become one of my best friends, actually liked me and wanted to be in a relationship?!?!?! Dream. Come. True! The final first is one that I want to talk about a little more: This year I have experienced something I have never felt before. This year was the first year I have been truly happy. I can smile and laugh. I don't have to fake being happy. A couple weeks ago I was sitting with my boyfriend and started to smile almost uncontrollably. There was no reason, but I was happy. When he asked what was going on, I started to cry. I was crying tears of joy. I was so happy, it was true joy, and for no reason at all. I started crying because I was so overwhelmed by such an incredible feeling. It was so foreign to me. This year has been the best year I have ever had. It has been a year of learning, growth, happiness and friends. I am sad for 2017 to be coming to an end, but I look forward to the year ahead of me. I can't believe I have been on college for an entire semester. It has been crazy, but so much fun! So much has happened! I definitely understand why people say that college is the funnest time of your life!
I started off the semester very overwhelmed. College comes with so much responsibility. I have a lot more classes than I did in high school. I have to do my own shopping, cooking, and cleaning. I have to provide for myself. I have to keep up on my piles of homework. I am living on my own, and on top of it all I have to try to balance a social life. As I have continued through the semester, I have learned to prioritize better. I am learning to manage my time, my stress, and my money. It has been a huge learning experience! I have made some amazing new friends, and I even have a boyfriend. *GASP!* I have also learned things that I need to change for next semester. Since I have figured out how to balance each aspect of my life, I have learned how much fun it is to be so independent. I am in control of my life now. I don't have to report to anyone on where I am going or why I was at the music building practicing until the wee hours of the night. I am my own boss, and although it stresses me out to not have my Mom and Dad here whenever I need something I have learned how to live without them. I have figured out the sleep schedule that works best for me. I am not as tired as I was in high school when my sleep was very inconsistent. I have learned how to manage my money better, and apparently you can't just buy whatever you want when you want it. *GASP.... again* Honestly, college has been what I needed to be happier and work to beat my depression. I am loving it and I am having more fun than I have ever had anywhere else. I am also happier than I can ever remember being! WinterBy Amber Simmons The time of year
With friends all near, And family gathered close. Our friends all sing, The songs all ring The season’s greatest tune. But cozy days, Soon gives their ways, The bitter cold to come. Two months to go Of cold and snow And dark and dreary days. Mid-march will come And soon the sun Will brighten all our days. Until that time, The snow, sublime Will be enough for me. College.
I have been waiting my whole life for this. I made it. I am here, and I am terrified. What do I do? How do I feed myself? How do I make new friends? How do I do EVERYTHING for myself? I don't know how I am going to do this, but it is happening and it will work out. I have made it a week-and-a-half. I can make it the rest of the year. I CAN DO HARD THINGS!
The thoughts scream mercilessly at me. They sometimes don't stop. That is when things get hard. My life has been a battle between what I know and what my mind tries to tell me. I know I am loved and significant, but when I begin to remember that, my thoughts creep in. They are quiet at first, almost unnoticeable, but then they grow. The thoughts that no one really cares about me, and that no one would notice if I wasn't there, seem to consume my thoughts. I fight back, but it is exhausting. I fall into the thoughts once I am too tired to fight back.
That is when my depression seems to take hold of me. Once I stop fighting, that is when I have to be brave. I have learned how brave I really am. I believe that anyone who has fought these thoughts that depression brings is so strong and so brave. The scariest feeling is when your brain tells you that you are worthless, weak, useless, pathetic, and unloved, but you know that you used to feel the opposite feeling. I am so proud of everyone who has fought these fights and battled these demons. You are strong. You are capable. You are brave. You are significant. You are loved. Never forget that. Stay that way. |
AuthorI tend to ramble. I just need to get thoughts out of my mind sometimes..... so I write. Archives
January 2018
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