I’m slipping.
Those are the only words I really have to explain it. I am happy and work hard to maintain my mental health, but I’m still slipping. My thoughts are sliding, slowly making their way into that dark abyss. I thought that my mind was healed. I thought that those scars were old; they were reminders of what I had once felt. They are not physical scars, this time. I will not go there again. They are in my mind. They tell me I am alone, worthless, tired, and cold. BUT I AM NOT! I SCREAM AT MY MIND. I LET IT KNOW THAT I HAVE LEARNED THIS LESSON BEFORE. I HAVE LEARNED THESE LIES AND HAVE HAD TO BREAK MYSELF OF THEM. I tell my mind that it is wrong. These thoughts: just lies. But it does not listen. I have learned this before. When will I finally learn? When will my mind stop tearing itself apart? When will it stop tearing me apart? When? I want to know because I’m sick of it. I thought I was better. I thought I was healed. But now, I am slipping.
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You know, I don't say "I love you" to just anyone. It means something that I have a hard time putting any other words to, but here is my attempt: I love you because you have been there for me and supported me in my times of weakness. This one is a given. I need someone there when I have dark days. I need someone there when my thoughts become too much. Talking about depression scares some people. It is a real thing that they do not want any conversation to be about, but not you. You let me talk about it. You help me through it. It may not always be comfortable to talk about, but you let me anyway, so I love you.
I love you because I know you won't leave me just because I struggle. Like I said, depression and anxiety are uncomfortable topics, but they are real in my life. I was scared to talk about them for the longest time, but you encouraged me to talk, to get help. You loved me even when I couldn't love myself, so I love you. I love you because you help keep me grounded, you keep me anchored. You have been my base when everything else seemed to be spinning out of control. You have believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself. You held me when I cried. You helped me talk through my thoughts. You talked to me. With your arm around me you helped me up and carried me through the hardest times, so I love you I love you because you brighten the darkness I feel from depression. You are the light that gives me hope. You lift me from darkness to light. You are a reason that I am living today, so I love you. There are so many people that have been a part of my life, and will be in the future that this applies to. I do not say I love you to just anyone. I hope it means something to you when I say it to you, because it has great meaning to me. To those that have been, are, and will be part of my journey I hope you know, I LOVE YOU! December: It's the most wonderful time of the year, Right?
It hasn't been for me, and it isn't for many people who deal with mental illness. The holidays are hard. There are gatherings with friends and family that you are expected to go to. There are gifts to buy, treats to make, and hundreds of other things to get done before the week of Christmas and New Years. All of this can seem like a lot to do for anyone, but for anyone dealing with a mental illness, it is completely overwhelming. Christmas break overwhelms me. I am away from school, which means I am away from my friends and I feel the isolation and loneliness of depression. When the depression creeps in, I do not want to do anything. Not wanting to do anything, makes getting things done even more stressful, and it makes the parties and get togethers even more stressful and filled with anxiety. Each Christmas one thing adds onto another. I always end the break being physically and emotionally exhausted if I haven't had a complete emotional breakdown. Up until last year, I hadn't told my parents about my struggles with depression and anxiety. This made Christmas break even harder because I felt like I had to hide all of this. I am very excited for this Christmas season. I have been progressively getting better over the past year and a half. I still have hard days and weeks. I still get overwhelmed. I still have social anxiety, but I am learning to control it all and how to deal with it. I am hoping I can make it through this Christmas season with it being one of the best I have ever had. I want this Christmas season to be the "Happiest season of all." My deepest fear is different than many might think. I am not afraid of snakes or spiders, clowns or the dark. My deepest fear is one that I hid for many years. I am afraid of myself.
This is kind of an odd statement. I am afraid of myself. I am scared of my depression, my thoughts, my anxieties. I am afraid of what my brain tells me late at night, or on a day I have gotten nothing done. I am afraid I really am as worthless as the depression tells me I am, although I know it lies to me. I am afraid of listening to my thoughts when the darkness creeps in. I am afraid that I may act on the thoughts. My deepest fear has changed a bit over the years though. At first, my fear was that someone would find out. I was scared that I wasn't hiding my demons well enough. I was scared of the judgement that would come, but I have begun to face my fear. I am facing it head on, and most days I can keep my head up. Because other people shared their stories, their success, and their struggles, I was able to face mine. I realized that I was not alone in this fight. My fear now is that I will not share enough of my battle. I hope to be able to share my story just like those that helped me. I am still afraid of my depression and the thoughts and feelings that come with it, but I have learned how to manage my fear of it. I am so glad that it doesn't run my life anymore. While in high school, there were many suicides at my school. It was and is so very tragic. My high school started having Hope weeks. I was in a very dark place. I didn't want to be told that suicide was wrong, I knew that, but that didn't change that I wanted to disappear and stop existing. During my junior year, there was a sign put up in a hallway I used daily. This is what the poster said: Hold on pain ends. That was a new concept to me. The pain that I was feeling could end? What I was feeling was all I could ever remember. This phrase ran through my head for weeks. How was this possible?
it was still another year before I gave in and asked for help. Why had I been so stubborn and embarrassed to admit that I was struggling? The answer is simple. I thought I was the only one. I thought I was alone. But I was not alone. Ask for help. Hold on pain ends. If you had told me one year ago about where I would be today, I wouldn't believe you. I had finally asked for help. I had just started taking antidepressants. I was still in a dark place.
I thought I was getting better. I was. But now I am doing even better than I could ever imagine. I have learned what it feels like to be happy. I cannot believe the leaps and bounds I have made. I love how I feel now! I am improving so much every day. I wish I could help others learn that it is OK to ask for help. It is OK to have to take medicine. It is OK to go to therapy. It is OK to struggle. I wish I had know that sooner. I have been in college for one month now. I have learned so much about my mental health in this month. I have been the happiest I can ever remember being, but I have also had one of the hardest depressive episode I have ever had.
Here are the tips I wish I had been told in high school:
It has been over a year since I finally admitted to myself and others that I was fighting Depression, and it has been quite a year!
There have been so many ups and downs, some left and rights too. It has been hard to deal with everything, but I am doing it, and I AM NOT ALONE. I have been helped by so many people. I am learning how to deal with myself and my thoughts. The hardest part of this journey so far have been the days my depression has crept back into my head. I hate having to fight my monsters. At times, I have not felt like I was able to fight these demons any longer, but I have learned that If I keep working and fighting, I will make it until my monster goes back into hiding. The majority of the time, I am happier than I ever remember being. Yeah I have times like the past week when I hit a low, but I am capable of climbing out of the pit the I fall in sometimes. I can fight my demons, and I can succeed. I am learning this little by little as I continue my Path through recovery. Well the name of this page is my battles, so I guess I better introduce you to my biggest enemy..... Depression. Yup I said it. I am not scared of that word anymore. I am just a girl with a dinosaur obsession. I am not the stereotypical depressed kid that movies would like you to think. I am just a normal person: minus the whole 18-year-old-obsessed-with-dinosaurs thing.
I honestly don't know how long I have had depression. When I finally realized what was going on, I was in ninth grade. I was the new kid at school, and all I knew was I loved my new school, I hated myself, and I wanted a new start: but I was having suicidal thoughts and I was terrified. I continued the school year making some amazing friends and hiding my fears and thoughts with the prospect of a new start. I fought on. I made it through ninth grade, barely, and I was moving on to high school. Working over that summer lightened my depression and I even was able to forget about it for a few weeks, until I found out that one of my friend's sisters died by suicide. I didn't know what to think. I had to act like I was fine, but I was shattered by the news both for my friend and for his sister. She was someone I looked up to. She was an amazing trumpet player and she taught me some of the first things I learned on trumpet. I knew how she could have felt, how it feels to feel like there is no other way to be OK, or even be able to make it another day. I saw the effect it had on him and so many others. It broke my heart to see. I couldn't be there for my friend because I was working in another state, and I didn't know what I could say to him in a text that could express my feelings, concern, and care to him and his family. I struggled for weeks to keep moving, and I fought hard, but that feeling and memory of the sadness and helplessness has never left me. Once we got back into the swing of school my depression slowly crept back into every aspect of my life. It slowly made the things I loved most almost unbearable to do. I was ready to quit. I fought on. This continued for tenth and eleventh grade. By the spring of 11th grade I was extremely suicidal. Through that school year I set many dates of days that were going to be my last, but somehow I made it through every one of those days. I didn't want to die most of the time, I just wanted the pain to end and to disappear. The only thing that helped soothe my suicidal thoughts was the memory and feeling of overwhelming sadness I had felt when others had died by suicide. I stayed alive for them. For Krystal. For Jesse. For Matt. For many others too. I fought on. I am so grateful for my friends and how much they were there for me, even if they had no clue what was going on. There are many specific situations where they saved my life. I don't even think they know that they are the reason I am still alive. By the end of eleventh grade I was so exhausted mentally and physically. I felt drained of life, but it was summer and I was going to work up at camp again. Summer has always been better for me. I am able to focus on others. I can focus on service and my job. The summer before senior year was different. I couldn't shake the depression. It came in waves throughout the summer. I was ready to quit.......again........still. I honestly am surprised that I was able to continue working. I was done one day and I could hardly function when I was off by myself and I found an 8 inch tall dinosaur buried in the mud of the lake. It was a gift from God. I know he was watching out for me. That was the start of my dinosaur obsession, and I was able to keep going. Then again a few weeks later I hit another low and I was ready to be done. That day another dinosaur was found in the mud of the lake and it was given to me by one of the scouts. God was there. He was watching out for me. God know what I needed. Those two dinosaurs made the difference to me. I fought on. Next came the ever so stressful senior year of high school. After the first week I didn't know if I could do it. I didn't know if I could fight another year. Through the encouragement of my close friends, along with the support of one of my friends from the summer, I was able to tell my parents after fighting depression and suicidal thoughts for over four years. I was so scared that I left a note on my mom's bathroom counter one night. I couldn't tell her in person. I was so ashamed of what was going on. I was ready to write a goodbye letter. I didn't think I could get help. I was immediately shown so much care and love. I was able to face that dreaded word as more than just a word. It was depression. I could not fight it on my own, I was losing when I tried. I had to have help, and I was received with so much love and support. When I was finally able to open up, I learned so much about myself and others. People shared their struggles with me and I realized how much this "sickness" makes you feel like the loneliest person on the Earth, where in reality YOU ARE NEVER ALONE! I have learned through the long process of recovery that there can be happiness. I started antidepressants soon after I talked to my parents. I soon realized the dark cloud I had been in. I saw a few rays of sunshine here and there. I realized what happy really meant, but I soon fell into my dark cloud again. Through the recovery process I have had many good days and weeks, but the lows still come. There is no instant recovery. Looking back I can see the difference, and after nine months, I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am doing better than I can remember ever doing. I have had some of my darkest moments during this time, but also my brightest. I don't know if my depression will ever go away completely, but I know that there is help and recovery out there and I am so grateful for it and the support I have gotten form all of my family, but especially my friends. I am looking forward to the new start of college. I am excited to see where my life brings me. I WILL KEEP FIGHTING! I will fight for all of those who have fought and are fighting this battle in their own mind. It is terrifying! I was not able to do this on my own, I tried and I almost failed, but with help, I will conquer! I WILL FIGHT ON! |
AuthorI'm just a college kid trying to survive. Sometimes I write to clear my mind. Archives
October 2018
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